My life has been a chaotic mess of late which is only going to escalate with an impending job change (I finally got my rotation notice, six years overdue), so after another sleepless night and hot, muggy day I packed up my daughter and headed towards the local shopping centre to enjoy the cool air-conditioning and just unwind. Elizabeth fell asleep quite quickly so I was able to enjoy a Latte and just browse. About an hour later she woke up so I headed to the closest Parents Room to warm up her milk so I could finish up some shopping before we headed home.
Once we got to the Parents Room though all these plans came undone. Elizabeth, without any warning, started throwing up. Before I could get her to the sink she had thrown up over the pram and the both of us, leaving a large sticky puddle on the floor. Trying not to cry, I undressed her and threw her clothes into the sink and washed her face and chest down. Then, with a little toddler cuddling into my chest I tried to mop up the mess but it was just too much. Giving up, I rang my Mother to see whether she could get there with a change of clothes. At this time a cleaner came in to help clean up the mess, she even scrubbed the pram (I will be forever thankful for her help).
For the next twenty minutes a parade of perfectly coiffed Mothers with their $2000 Bugaboo strollers went in and out of the Parents Room as I stood there with Elizabeth in my arms, spew clinging to my thin shirt. I held Elizabeth closer, feeling their judging eyes upon me. Not one person asked whether I needed any help. When my Mother finally arrived I quickly dressed Elizabeth and head down, navigated my way towards my car, which happened to be on the other side of the shopping centre. On the way I passed one of my friends from work who pretended not to see me. We used to catch up regularly for coffee, that is, until Elizabeth was diagnosed with ASD. Like she was afraid it was some disease her child could catch. I use to feel angry, now I just feel defeated.
2 comments:
God what a horror day. You feel very unprotected when you're a single parent; and also hyper-alert and sometimes very emotional. I used to try and hang onto an idea that such strength of feeling was a blessing and I still think that, but it's also hard. But it's lovely you're mother is able to help so that must make you feel close. I had a curious conversation tonight with my mother. She thought I should become a Buddhist, that I might would be good to learn to be calm. In response I quoted Dylan Thomas "do not go gentle into that good night..Rage, rage against the dying of the light." Life should be lived with feeling. It's good to remember all these things for their intensity, and that's what I thought straight away when I read your post painful though things can be, regards Barbara
Thankyou Barbara. That quote is apt, I've feel like I've lost my own identity but I will take your advice and 'rage against the dying of the light'. What else am I to do but drown? I realised last night at work that it is not my daughter's disability that I find stressful, I love my daughter too dearly, it is working at a miserable job then having to come home and having to deal with the challenges whilst still pent up with emotions from work. But hopefully I won't be working at the airport for much longer.
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